BETTER OFF AS A MEMORY

But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your sinking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was...

I WANT TO SEE...

I haven't been to the movies since Transformers came out last June, however, I want to see these in the theaters:

What Happens in Vegas (May 9th)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (May 22nd)

You Don't Mess With The Zohan (June 6th)

The Love Guru (June 20th)

Get Smart (June 20th)

Wanted (June 27th)

The Dark Knight (July 18th)

PEEP SHOW

Brent sent this to me. It's too funny not to share.

15 MINUTES OF FAME

Carrie Johnson (formerly Filson) will be on L.A. Ink this Thursday on TLC at 10p. Her tattoo is incredible.

WHAT NEXT

It’s amazing how quickly hopes can be crushed before you’re back at square one. These past few weeks have been nothing short of utter chaos and frustration. My outlook is split down the middle-one being that I know God is allowing my to go through this to strengthen my trust and faith, but on the other hand I completely contradict myself by thinking that I must have failed God because it seems that I’m failing at everything I’m trying to accomplish.

Sunday morning was a perfect example of that. After being up for 22 hours, I had a job interview which I tanked, the second one in less than a month. However, I wasn’t too disappointed for tanking the interview as much as I just wanted to get home and go to bed. The past month has been extremely difficult for me and I am completely exhausted. To make matters worse is that I’m not able to sleep as much as I need to. It’s not that I don’t have the time to, but it’s just simply I can’t sleep. Lately I’ve been averaging 5-6 hours a day since going back to midnights a little over two weeks ago.

I have so much crap on my mind that I’m just trying to let go of-the biggest one being of finding a new job. Although I technically have about a year and a half left, I’m now starting to get a little more anxious about finding a new one. Being that I’ve already tanked my last two interviews in less than a month, my confidence isn’t quite up to par right now. And to make matters a little more difficult I’ve basically run out of motivation.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is perseverance. However, after fighting and working to obtain a goal for the last 7 years, I think it has gotten the better half of me. I’m tired, and I feel defeated and isolated trying to reach something that is becoming a lot more distant. I think that I’ve finally come to terms with myself knowing that the past is the past and that I need to move on and seek out something else.

I think that rejection has gotten the better half of me. I don’t want to have to face having to explain my past, after looking at the look of shock on their face when I can sit back and laugh about it because I know that it never happened. Word gets around quick and I think that I am finally at the point of no return. At the same time that is why I value honesty and integrity. I’m not one to bad mouth other people. Sure, I’ll be completely up front and honest to you, but I don’t go behind your back to talk trash. I’ve been on the receiving end plenty of times and it hurts. I’m still being haunted to this day (literally) for three errors on a polygraph machine which will keep me from being put through any further in the hiring process. After yesterday morning, I know I should be receiving a phone call in the next week from a reference I used who has been a long time friend who will ask me about the interview.

It sucks and it’s not fair. However, I know that life is not fair. I need to take the punches and fight the fights that I know I can win. Unfortunately, I think that this is one of the fights that no matter how hard I try to fight or no matter how many times I return to the boxing ring I will lose each and every time. Through all the utter chaos and frustration, I know I am still loved by God. Although I don’t know why I have to go through everything I’m going through, one day I’ll see. But until then, I’ll keep planted in God’s Word and continue to follow after Him (easier said than done).

THIS IS MY NOW...

Tonight we finished up the Book of II Thessalonians and I heard one of the most encouraging verses, which could not have come at a better time. “And I say to the rest of you, dear brothers and sisters, never get tired of doing good.” – II Thessalonians 3:14

In Paul’s second letter to the Church of Thessalonica, his final chapter encourages and instructs Christians of proper living. I felt that this verse struck my heart the most because of some of the things that I’ve been going through lately. So many times I know I’ve been doing the right thing without taking shortcuts and trying to be accountable, while seeing other people around me seeming not to take their faith seriously and in doing so, it seems like they’ve been getting ahead while I seem to be standing still, again, waiting on God. So many times I’ve felt like giving up and compromising myself and my faith just to get to where I want to be, then asking God for forgiveness; but I know that our true faith doesn’t work like that.

It’s been hard for me lately not giving in to the world, but at times wanting to so much just to feel accepted and appreciated. Although my heart feels overwhelmed with joy and the peace that only God can anoint, at the same time my personal life feels alone and abandoned. I’m not depressed by any means, but sometimes I continue to doubt myself wondering if the desires of my heart will work out, and if so, when.

My life has had its’ fair share of loneliness, pain, frustration, confusion, and disappointments. Nevertheless, in all that I’ve gone through and continue to struggle with (my confidence, or lack there of and me having to be a perfectionist), God’s peace has been overwhelming during these past couple of months as I’ve turned my focus off of me and onto Him.

The two most important lesions that I’ve faced head on in the last couple of months have been humility and perseverance. Humility, being dependant on God and giving up my control; and perseverance to learning from the disappointments, failures, and rejections, and continuing to move forward, even when it feels uncomfortable and hurts at times.

I continue to learn new things and see how God works in my life on a regular basis as I walk through life. In the words of Paul, “May the Lord bring you into an ever deeper understanding of the love of God and the endurance that comes from Christ.” (II Thessalonians 3:5), I’m reminded that as I walk through life, everyday is an opportunity for my relationship to grow closer to Christ. Is it easy all the time? Certainly not. Just like any relationship, you grow by walking together and getting to know one another.

There will be obstacles in the way that will challenge my faith. In regards to my relationship with Christ, the biggest obstacle is Satan. Satan loves nothing more than to remind me of my past, in turn stirring up mixed emotions and thoughts questioning if I’m really good enough for God. Fortunately, Christ sacrificed Himself on the cross and I am accepted into His presence through the grace of God.

So, as I continue to journey through life, I need to be constantly reminded to keep my relationship with Christ sacred, holding it close and dear to my heart. Although I may have had a weak start, I need to continue to persevere through the tests and trials and enduring the obstacles while keeping my focus on Christ so that I can have a strong finish to my life.

WAITING PATIENTLY AND CONFIDENTLY...

Although I can't see the future, God knows my heart and promises me this: "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

NEVER WANTED NOTHING MORE

I've had this song on repeat on my iPod in my car for the past two days.



Other good songs on the album I really like are:
- Don't Blink
- Just Not Today
- Wife and Kids
- Dancin' For The Groceries

THE MEANING BEHIND THE TITLE

cha•o•tic |kāˈätik|
adjective
in a state of complete confusion and disorder

pa•tience |ˈpā sh əns|
noun
the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset
_________________________

CHAOTIC PATIENCE:

I wouldn't go as far to say that my life is in disorder, however, I will completely agree that it's in a state of complete confusion. Almost a month ago I came to the realization that I will be 30 in a year and a half. Usually by now, most of us my age are established their careers and relationships. For me it's almost the complete opposite.

Although I'm not where I want to be, I'm fine with that. It's not easy at times to accept that I still struggle with being single (going on 13 years now), and still want my childhood dream career. As I work at obtaining both I know that God is in control. His plan for my life will be revealed in His timing. Until then I have to remain faithful and committed to Christ. This season of my life has been pretty unique. I've been through quite a few things which has allowed me to grow and look at life from a difference vantage point.

But I think that the most important area that I've seen the most amount of growth is in my relationship with Christ. Since the beginning of the year, I've been taking full advantage of the extra "free" time I've had and plugging myself into God's Word and deepening my relationship with Him. I know that my current status in life is only temporary, however, when things eventually change I know that I'll be rooted and grounded deeper in Him which will help me in all areas of my life.

Am I disappointed with my life? Absolutely not. About 5 months or so ago I asked God for patience in my life. Believe me, since then it's been a daily lesson. Although at times I become frustrated I know that God is in control and that this is just Him reassuring me to continue to trust Him.