WHAT NEXT

It’s amazing how quickly hopes can be crushed before you’re back at square one. These past few weeks have been nothing short of utter chaos and frustration. My outlook is split down the middle-one being that I know God is allowing my to go through this to strengthen my trust and faith, but on the other hand I completely contradict myself by thinking that I must have failed God because it seems that I’m failing at everything I’m trying to accomplish.

Sunday morning was a perfect example of that. After being up for 22 hours, I had a job interview which I tanked, the second one in less than a month. However, I wasn’t too disappointed for tanking the interview as much as I just wanted to get home and go to bed. The past month has been extremely difficult for me and I am completely exhausted. To make matters worse is that I’m not able to sleep as much as I need to. It’s not that I don’t have the time to, but it’s just simply I can’t sleep. Lately I’ve been averaging 5-6 hours a day since going back to midnights a little over two weeks ago.

I have so much crap on my mind that I’m just trying to let go of-the biggest one being of finding a new job. Although I technically have about a year and a half left, I’m now starting to get a little more anxious about finding a new one. Being that I’ve already tanked my last two interviews in less than a month, my confidence isn’t quite up to par right now. And to make matters a little more difficult I’ve basically run out of motivation.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is perseverance. However, after fighting and working to obtain a goal for the last 7 years, I think it has gotten the better half of me. I’m tired, and I feel defeated and isolated trying to reach something that is becoming a lot more distant. I think that I’ve finally come to terms with myself knowing that the past is the past and that I need to move on and seek out something else.

I think that rejection has gotten the better half of me. I don’t want to have to face having to explain my past, after looking at the look of shock on their face when I can sit back and laugh about it because I know that it never happened. Word gets around quick and I think that I am finally at the point of no return. At the same time that is why I value honesty and integrity. I’m not one to bad mouth other people. Sure, I’ll be completely up front and honest to you, but I don’t go behind your back to talk trash. I’ve been on the receiving end plenty of times and it hurts. I’m still being haunted to this day (literally) for three errors on a polygraph machine which will keep me from being put through any further in the hiring process. After yesterday morning, I know I should be receiving a phone call in the next week from a reference I used who has been a long time friend who will ask me about the interview.

It sucks and it’s not fair. However, I know that life is not fair. I need to take the punches and fight the fights that I know I can win. Unfortunately, I think that this is one of the fights that no matter how hard I try to fight or no matter how many times I return to the boxing ring I will lose each and every time. Through all the utter chaos and frustration, I know I am still loved by God. Although I don’t know why I have to go through everything I’m going through, one day I’ll see. But until then, I’ll keep planted in God’s Word and continue to follow after Him (easier said than done).